Going home for the holidays when living abroad: tips and implications for mental health
Going home for the holidays can be a highly anticipated event when living abroad. Depending on the relationship with our home country, the people who live there (friends and family) and the reasons for leaving, going home can feel like quite a loaded experience and potentially impact our mental health.
Below, I recorded an episode on my podcast, We are here, too, and I have included a detailed blog post on the conundrum of going to the home country for the holidays.
Here, there or elsewhere?
There is a part of me who hopes could say (and would have loved to hear), “hey, it gets easier, you know exactly what you want to do, and everyone is ok about it”. This is not necessarily true or untrue, and I would say it depends.
Choosing where to spend the holidays when living abroad can impact our mental health and possibly trigger our guilt response, but it can also be a pleasant and light experience. Many factors come to play, and ultimately, we are the only ones to know what we are willing to compromise and to what extent to make a holiday happen.
Read more S1E4: Why am I feeling this guilty?
Challenges of holiday travel when living far from home
I cut to the chase. For most of us, holidays mean I need to let my family know that I have other plans, I’m not visiting them this time around.
There were times when my decision of where I would spend the holidays was an easy process. There was an understanding and acceptance of my decision from all parties; my needs and priorities aligned smoothly with my choice; I had the financial capacity to choose.
When it didn’t go so well, it felt messy and resentful.
Issues around money can be a deal breaker, and its weight can feel heavier the further we live from our home country (for example, when life abroad is in another continent and/or a more rural/remote location).
Many of us foreigners also had to learn the fine art of negotiating and compromising while managing these situations with empathy when there is a lot at stake and life happens to us, too. During these times, it’s hard enough to prioritise the different pieces of the jigsaw to make our life abroad as easy as possible. Planning holidays becomes cumbersome because of others’ expectations and desires to have us there with them.
Sometimes, we don’t have the capacity to negotiate. Sometimes, we don’t want to compromise. We also have commitments in the host country, and changing plans and schedules can be impossible.
Sometimes, the reality is that we simply might not want to organise our holidays around the things that are going on in our home country. And that is ok, too.
Read more about boundaries:
Factors Influencing Going Home When Living Abroad
The decision to return home when living abroad is complex, involving various factors and differing from person to person. I would summarise these factors in two macro-categories: the relationship with our homeland and our personal circumstances in the host country.
Relationship with our homeland
Some of us may have strong emotional ties to our home country and feel a sense of nostalgia or longing to return. Missing family, friends, cultural traditions (and easiness of observing said traditions), and familiar surroundings may weigh heavily on our decision to spend the holidays in our home country.
I remember the year I wanted to be home for Easter, have my mother’s food, eat the Colomba (a traditional Italian sweet bread), paint the eggs, and spend time with the family. But that year, the first of many, I was at work, covering a late shift in a semi-empty office, and no one was really interested in celebrating with me. At the time, I only wanted to be back in Italy surrounded by family.
This is not everyone’s experience, though. And it hasn’t always been mine. Those strong emotional ties I mentioned earlier? They weren’t there when I first moved abroad.
The relationship with the people or the country can be strained due to disagreements, past or ongoing experiences of abuse, or the country’s politics.
Personal circumstances
In addition to the emotional ties with the home country, personal circumstances such as employment opportunities, financial stability, healthcare, and social support may also influence the decision to return home. If a person faces difficulties in these areas, they may be more likely to consider returning to their home country when they feel more secure.
The impact on the mental health of holiday-making when living abroad
Going on holidays when living abroad can impact our mental health in many ways, and that is a consequence of our relationship with our home country and our personal circumstances.
That said, holidays can be stressful regardless: booking transport and accommodation, getting informed about potential activities and sightseeing, packing, requesting time off in employed, dealing with the pre and post-holidays (whatever that looks like for you), it’s there regardless of what to do for your holidays. Add time spent with the family, and suddenly, you need to coordinate other family members (if you are part of a household) or friends to the list of things to do.
In search of a connection
If your relationship with your homeland, your family and friends is there, spending holidays in the home country can help fight isolation by accessing familiarity through customs and traditions, a shared language and the company of loved ones.
Experiencing feelings of homesickness, loneliness, and isolation during the holiday season can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. Moreover, missing out on important family traditions and connections can amplify these feelings and exacerbate the impact on mental health. Looking for connection when going on holidays can be the lifeline for those of us who are struggling in the host country to feel included and connected.
Strained relationships
Going home for the holidays can also be a source of anxiety and pressure, causing unnecessary overwhelm and exhaustion. It is not an unknown experience, one of being pressured to spend all our time off at home with the family, with the assumption that it needs to be us who migrated to go back rather than them coming for a visit.
Furthermore, for some, returning home may also trigger feelings of homesickness and a sense of disconnection from the adopted country and culture. It can make us question why we moved abroad in the first place, highlighting differences in cultural values, beliefs, and ways of life, which can be challenging to navigate.
Avoiding disappointment
When living abroad, choosing where to go on holiday can be complex. There can also be a sense of pressure to make the most of our time abroad and explore as much as possible, leading to high expectations and potential disappointment if things don’t go as planned. Disappointment can lead to feelings of frustration, regret, and a sense of missing out on opportunities. This can be particularly challenging during the holiday season when there may be cultural expectations or pressure to have a certain type of experience, especially from those in our home country.
Read more about depression when living abroad:
How to manage our mental health when abroad while planning for the holidays
Planning holidays can be stressful, and there are higher stakes when the home country is involved. Therefore, looking after ourselves as best as possible is essential to avoid feeling overwhelmed and inadequate.
This may include anything from setting realistic expectations with all parties involved and with yourself first and foremost, practising self-care and seeking support from loved ones or professionals if needed.
It may also mean creating new holiday traditions in your new environment and deciding not to go back and choose elsewhere.
Last but not least, consider your needs and reflect on where they stand among all the other things in your life. Can you see them? Can you make space for them? I hope you do because you matter, too.
Are you struggling with your mental health? I can help!
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